Embracing Healing: A Conversation with My Mother
Two weeks ago, I found myself sitting across the table from my mother for the first time in four years. It was a moment charged with emotion, the culmination of years of distance and unresolved feelings. This encounter marked our first meaningful conversation in what felt like an eternity, and it was a turning point in my journey towards healing.
For as long as I can remember, my relationship with my mother has been unconventional. She's always felt more like a sister to me, and I've often found myself taking on the role of the parent. Growing up in survival mode, I became adept at navigating life's challenges by sheer determination and grit. But in doing so, I unwittingly erected barriers that prevented my mother from truly being close to me.
Creating this boundary was a form of self-preservation, a way to protect myself from the pain and disappointment that had characterized our relationship in the past. But as I embarked on the journey of motherhood myself, I knew that I couldn't carry the weight of those unresolved issues any longer. Pregnancy has a way of bringing our deepest fears and insecurities to the surface, and I realized that the healing I thought I had achieved was merely scratching the surface.
Sitting across from my mother that day, I came to a profound realization: my mission was not to demand an apology or assign blame, but rather to let go of my pain and hurt. It was a moment of clarity, a recognition that starting over meant meeting her where she was, not where I wanted her to be. And in that acceptance, I found a sense of peace and comfort that I hadn't felt in years.
Together, we cried and shared our hearts, acknowledging the challenges we had faced and the mistakes we had made along the way. But amidst the tears, there was also a deep sense of gratitude for the resilience that had carried us through the toughest of times. My mother may not have been perfect, but she had always been a source of strength and inspiration, shaping me into the person I am today.
Motherhood, I realized, is not linear. It's messy and complicated, filled with moments of joy and sorrow, love and heartache. And the journey to healing is no different—it's a lifelong process of growth and self-discovery, marked by moments of clarity and connection.
As I embark on this new chapter of my life, I carry with me the lessons learned from that transformative conversation with my mother. I am reminded that forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves, and that true healing comes from embracing our past and embracing the people who have shaped us, flaws and all.
In the end, I am grateful for the opportunity to reconnect with my mother, to bridge the gap that had separated us for so long. And as I embark on the journey of motherhood myself, I do so with a renewed sense of purpose and a heart full of love.
circa: 1993
